Serene Chaos

Apologies

2010-02-28T21:26:00.007+02:00

To all the wonderful people that are so close to my heart and who frequent my humble blog - also those whose blogs I've come to follow over time.

I need to apologise for not posting regularly or visiting your sites as frequently as I would have liked the past month or so. I've been sick for more than a month now, and it has intermittently kept me away from work, friends and ultimately the blogging world.

I've decided, until I'm completely on my feet again, to take a short hiatus from blogging and the blogging world in general.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Unfortunately, not being able to frequent all of your sites doesn't seem fair and you guys deserve so much better!

Take very good care of yourselves, all you beautiful people, and we'll chat soon!

Love, S.C.

a gift divine

2010-02-12T19:28:00.006+02:00

I come to You
my hands clasped tight
and held fast to my chest.
within their grip
I hold my praise,
my love, my very best...

with eyes downcast
I swallow hard
for it is all I have to give
an impure love
that’s stained and marred
by a past of sin and grief.

Oh!
that I could give You
what I want!
a love that’s whole and pure!
but I’m afraid
this life of mine
is broken and obscure.

why do you want
this praise, my God,
why desire my love?
don’t you realise who I am?
where I’ve been
and what I’ve done?

only you
can give this love
none other can define,
no one else
can take your place
within this Heart of mine!

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When we come before the almighty God, our love, praise and worship feels so unworthy. What could we possibly have to offer Him? Truth is that there is nothing He desires more than to enjoy the unique relationship that only YOU can have with Him.

loving you

2010-01-26T16:09:00.005+02:00

loving you came easy

and was the natural thing to do

when I met you

not long after

I knew that I loved you

loving you and living it

was like breathing in and out

every day I learnt more

of what love was all about

loving with you hurting me

was beyond the realm of mind:

how could I harbor feelings

that to my soul were so unkind?

loving made it easy

to forgive

to heal my wounds

through it all I never lost

this love that burns for you

love enabled Him to heal

and restore my heart and soul

it was Love that taught me

day by day

how to keep my spirit whole

trusting Him, not you, to catch me

makes me not afraid to fall

loving you while loving Him

is the easiest thing of all!

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If we place our trust with God, not people, it can never be betrayed!

beautiful

2010-01-19T21:55:00.000+02:00

did you know that I was there
the day you were conceived?
you were but a tiny spec
when a masterpiece was weaved!

I gave very clear instructions
and a blueprint, checked each day,
so that you were formed as I imagined
you to be that glorious day!

each day I tinker, here and there
My work is never done,
I see you changing, day by day,
into the beauty you’ve become!

whatever flaws you think you have
they are not flaws to Me,
you are the glorious work of art
you were designed to be!

I look at you, you cannot know
the beauty that I see,
the only one in billions
to fill the you-shaped hole in Me!

- God

Emotions...

2010-01-14T17:54:00.000+02:00

This poem is by one of my oldest friends, Bernadine. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us!

EMOTIONS

The framework that human beings are made of…
Good, bad, sad, uncomfortable, just to name a few…

Emotions…
Like the waves of the sea it just throws us
To and fro, to and fro…
Not giving us a chance to think… feel...

Emotions…
Like the wind it just comes out of nowhere…
Like the wind it could blow you over.
Like the wind… you just can’t see it
Where it’s going... where it’s coming from

Emotions…
Feelings of a lost soul…
Feelings you just can’t get rid of…
Feelings unstoppable….
Feeling in every way…

It’s like a never ending maze.
Taking you from one side to the other
Throwing you… not caring if you’ll get hurt or not
Throwing you… as if you have no feelings at all…

Emotions…

not yours but Mine

2010-01-07T16:54:00.000+02:00

Father God, it’s been so long
since I’ve known inner peace
the turmoil in me,
every day,
it seems to never cease.
I’m weary, Lord,
my mind grows weak
as I battle through it all,
Remember I will catch you, child,
every time you fall!

I start to doubt the promises
that I once held in my heart
and though I know You to be here
we seem so far apart!
I long to feel Your presence
as though in a soft embrace,
My child, I’ve never let you go,
no matter what you’ve faced!

I know this too shall pass so I
can feel whole once again,
I cannot wait to feel your love
as it heals me from within -
My child!
One thing you seem to miss
while you battle all this time:
you’ve been fighting with your own strength
when in fact it should be Mine!

thin blue line

2009-12-14T21:58:00.000+02:00

She sat on the edge of the bath, staring down at the stick in her hand. She started pacing. 3 minutes have never felt so long! She closed her eyes and started praying. Please! Please! Help me, Lord! Please what? Help with what? She glanced at her watch again.

1 minute … What did she want from this? It’s true, she wanted a baby more than anything! But did she want to bring a child into this world? Into this marriage?

She paced in the small bathroom. He didn’t want children. He had made that perfectly clear. But she’d always thought that when it happened he would change his mind. He had already contacted the divorce lawyer, and had started looking for another place to live. She placed a hand below her navel and stared ahead at a world of possibilities. What if he changed his mind? What if he realised what he would be walking away from? What if this changed him?

2 minutes… What if he asked her to get rid of it! Never! She would rather die than kill her unborn child. She would just not tell him. Yes! She would go through with the divorce and just not tell him of the miracle growing inside her. He didn’t want children – so she would not burden him with this knowledge. He would not have the opportunity to poison this little life!

2 minutes and 30 seconds… Her insides screamed in confusion and clawed at her emotions until they were ragged and threatening to fall apart. God, help me!

3 minutes.

She looked down. With the stick still in her hand, she slid down onto the floor. She stared at the tiny window. Tears broke through and rolled down her cheeks until her shoulders shook. She lay there sobbing her heart out. For her broken marriage, for the child that never was, and for her life that now seemed emptier than ever!

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At the risk of sounding cliché, we don’t always get what we want, but we always get what we need. Even though it may not feel like it at the time…

wilting

2009-12-02T07:33:00.001+02:00

Father I am at your feet

and I'm tired through and through

it's been so long since I've known rest

the peace that comes from You...

deep in my being I'm torn apart

though on the surface I am whole...

nobody knows the torment

that I carry in my soul!

my child, I count your every tear

know the desires of your heart

but Lord, I'm weak,

and fear that soon

i will completely come apart!

the days grow darker,

fear creeps in

my insides in a knot,

what do I do? please tell me Lord...

be still and know that I am God!

eye contact

2009-11-19T21:33:00.000+02:00

She walked into the office and took a seat where he indicated. She was so incredibly tired. Lack of sleep, a rigorous exercise routine and strong pain medication had taken their toll the past week so that she was not her usual sharp self. She shirked it off. Get over it! You have a job to do and there’s no time to feel sorry for yourself now. She started the usual small-talk while taking out all her material.

Something about him seemed familiar, although she knew this was her first time meeting him. Something about the surroundings seemed assuring, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. She felt very much at ease in this strange location, but thought it was her imagination. After the sales talk she was getting ready to leave. He looked at her earnestly. “I feel I need to tell you something…” suddenly he seemed less at ease, like he wasn’t sure how she would react to him being so honest. “Yes?” Her brain was tired, but she was suddenly very alert. Tingles went through her arms and fingertips – she knew this was important, because that is how her Father always got her attention.

He smiled reassuring. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” She blinked. That’s it? she wondered. “Ok…?” He shook his head and she could see he was getting ready to just blurt it out. “God wants you to give yourself the same grace that you give to others. He loves you just the way you are and He wants use you just the way you are. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” She sighed and smiled. She nodded as she relaxed. “Thank you.” She picked up her handbag to leave. “You have no idea how much I needed to hear that today!” He smiled. “God did!”

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God often uses the weirdest circumstances to show us that we are never alone, and that we are loved. I believe that when we are in the presence of His other children, we recognize Him in their eyes, which is why strangers can sometimes seem so familiar!

award time

2009-11-14T17:02:00.000+02:00

Thanks so much, Gavin, for the award given to me on your awesome blog.

All awards carry with them a little something to do... For this one:

1. Thank whoever gave this to you
2. Copy award
3. Post it in your blog
4. Tell us 7 things that your readers don’t know
5. Link 7 new bloggers
6. Notify winners of the award with a comment on their blog
7. Keep being awesome!

So here goes - 7 things you may not know about me:

1. I have literally held a human heart in my hand;
2. I just got a new puppy;
3. My favourite series is House MD;
4. I lived in Canada for 3 months while participating in a cancer research study;
5. My native tongue is Afrikaans;
6. One of my guilty pleasures is enjoying a peanutbutter, banana & cheese sandwich;
7. I wrote my first story at the age of 12.

I think the following bloggers are truly awesome - feel free to go check them out!

1. JBR @ Just Be Real
2. Alice in Wonderland @ Alice in Wonderland
3. Dischilicious @ Cinderella
4. Louis @ Pursuit of Something Real
5. Smileyfreak @ Keep Smiling Smileyfreak
6. Makita Jazzqueen @ Mary Eastmacott
7. Sande @ So to speak

Have a fabulous weekend! :)

My love for you

2009-11-06T21:04:00.001+02:00

My love for you
stretches further than creation.
it fills every single moment
and makes it shine with promise.
My love for you
guards over your every day
your every step,
your every thought.
My love for you
is everlasting,
ever present,
pure.
it is a love that is
perfect
selfless
consuming.
and as you read this
it envelops you.
not because of what you’ve done
or could ever do,
but because of who I Am
My beloved!

- God

embrace

2009-10-24T21:58:00.000+02:00

I was going through a very hard time two years ago, just having recovered from a painful divorce that left me feeling very unwanted and unloved. Circumstances in my life led me to read The Shack by William P Young and I had spent almost a whole day with my nose buried in this book.

The entire day had been revelation after revelation of God’s love for me. I can remember thinking a few times that day that it would be so wonderful to feel that love in a tangible way, as we can with our loved ones through a hug, a kiss, or even just a gentle touch. I am a person that thrives on these simple acts of love, which had been missing in my life for some time.

Very tired from reading, I put the book down before taking a nap. As my consciousness drifted back to reality, I became very much aware of a tangible, overwhelming feeling of love. As if I was wrapped in a loving embrace – like the world’s most wonderful hug!

I can remember not wanting to leave that place! I love you so much! was the last thought I could remember before being completely awake.

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God is only a moment away, longing to hold us in his perfect embrace. All we need to do is let Him.

reach out

2009-10-04T18:51:00.000+02:00

She opened her eyes and the world slowly drifted back into focus. Where was she? It took her a few moments to realise that she was lying in a hospital bed. She looked down at the figure resting his head on the sheets, holding her hand tight. He was a mess and looked as if he had passed out from sheer exhaustion.

It all came flooding back: the determined way in which she’d poured the pills out onto her dressing table, swallowing them one by one while thinking back on her life… all the horrible memories that she’d tried so hard to get rid of on her own, but couldn’t. Death seemed to be such an appealing option. I’m not even allowed to escape! she thought and swallowed back the tears that welled up in her throat.

She’d tried to spare him from the truth that had absolutely nothing to do with him. It happened so long ago, but it would no doubt hurt him and distort his opinion of a world that had always treated him well. What now? Was she doomed to continue living with this shame and pain forever?

He awoke suddenly, as if startled. He looked at her and his eyes lit up when he saw that she was awake. “Wow, it’s good to see your beautiful eyes!” He stood up and kissed her forehead. She felt uneasy at this sign of affection, as if she had betrayed him. She tried to talk, but he stopped her. ”We can talk about it all later. Just rest.”

“Don’t you want to know why?” she asked with a raspy voice. He looked down at her with a gentle smile and wiped a few strands of hair off her forehead. “Of course I want to know. So many things have been going through my mind... But I am so grateful that you are alive, that I will wait until you are ready to talk about it.” He pressed a kiss on her fingers. “I can’t tell you how hopeless I felt when I thought I’d lost you. Whatever it is, we will work through this. No matter how long it takes.”

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We may think we are protecting those closest to us by keeping unpleasant truths from them, but the opposite is often true. Give them the opportunity to show you how much you mean to them by being there for you. More often than not, I have been surprised by this.

award for me?

2009-09-27T16:43:00.000+02:00

I was very blessed to receive a Loyal Friend and Reader award from Jesse at Softly Spoken.

I want to share the love, and so I pass it on to the following people:

Just Be Real - Your blog is a constant motivator and inspiration to many;

Dishilicious from her blog Cinderella - Your openness inspires me to be more honest in my own life;

Louis from Pursuit of Something Real - You have a way of filtering precious moments out of everyday life and displaying them in a way that makes me think about life, love and all the rest;

LazyKing from Bored Get Unbored - Your entertaining blog is always a surefire way to get rid of those boring moments; and

Nivedita on Digital Passion - A very talented artist whom I enjoy following in her journey to develop her gift.

Thank you all for your support and being part of my blog.

Love,
S.C.

Open up!

2009-09-20T08:45:00.000+02:00

There once was a beautiful maiden, who was being held captive in a tower by a dark lord. Every day she would long for someone to rescue her.

One day, she saw a warrior approaching on a magnificent horse, wearing a crown and brilliant white clothing. When he looked up at her, his eyes were filled with a love so pure that she could not hold his gaze. “Fair maiden,” he said in a gentle voice, “please open up and invite me in. I want to be your Prince.” She ran down the steps and leaned against the door to be close to him. “I wish I could, but it is impossible! There is no key for this door!”

Again he said: “Beautiful maiden, please open up and invite me in. Make me your Prince so that I can show you life outside these walls.” A tear rolled down her cheek and hopelessness drew her to her knees. “I cannot open this door, dear Warrior. Many powerful warriors have tried and were unsuccessful.” His gentle voice replied, “My beloved, this enchanted door needs no key. Only you can open it!”

Hands trembling with uncertainty, she turned the handle. Although it protested loudly, she managed to open it to gaze up at her Prince. He held out a hand, “Come with me.” He helped her onto his horse and they traveled until long after she could not see the tower anymore.

They stopped in front of a beautiful cottage. She looked at the cottage with admiration. “This is the most beautiful place I have ever seen!” He smiled, “This is all yours.” She shook her head in unbelief. “No, it can’t be. I never did anything to deserve such a wonderful gift!”

“That is not why I give it to you. I give it because you invited me into your life and made me your Prince. This new life is yours to enjoy and you don’t need to do anything to deserve it -ever.” She thanked him for his gracious gift.

He climbed onto his horse to return to his castle. “When will I see you again?” He smiled gently. “That is up to you. Whenever you want me with you, I will be here in an instant.”

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Jesus wants to give us so much! All we need to do is open the door. (Revelation 3 v 20-21)

anticipation

2009-09-05T16:06:00.000+02:00

I have always been a very emotional person. Emotions are wonderful things. But unless we are actually living in a soap opera, living by them can be quite destructive.

One morning I was on my way to work and was feeling especially happy. It was Friday and I was looking forward to a date with the man of my dreams. I was very much aware of the butterflies of anticipation fluttering in my stomach.

As I found myself smiling at this thought, I could feel my Lord's hand on my heart. The next moment He spoke to me, as He often does now, through my own emotions: This wonderful feeling that you are experiencing now, is the closest you can come to understanding how excited I am to know that you have set aside time to spend with me, beloved!

I almost collapsed right there as this humbling thought brought my spirit to its knees. How wonderfully amazing that the Creator of heaven and earth looks forward to spending time with you and me!

surrender

2009-08-23T16:16:00.000+02:00

I can recall not long ago
lying broken at your Feet.
my life in shards,
shattered and torn
by hurt, pride and deceit.

the more I tried
the less I could
put it back the way it was.
it cut my hands until it all
was stained with tears and blood.

then out of sheer exhaustion
I could do nothing but concede
that to fix my heart, my life,
was beyond the power in me.

You gently pried the pieces
from my still determined hands.
dressed my wounds
with love that man
can never understand!

You gave me rest
and showed me love
beyond that I’d ever seen.
before I knew
my life was better
than it had ever been!

so now I waste no time myself
to tinker in dismay.
I come to You to fix it
in your wise and perfect way!

If love were enough

2009-08-04T19:17:00.000+02:00

He sat on the edge of the bed, with his face in his hands. From looking at him you wouldn’t know that he was crying, save for the solitary tear trickling through his fingers and falling to the floor. Was it possible to miss a person so much that it was almost impossible to breathe?

He needed to change his profession! Although family law used to come naturally to him, now every day drains him of his will to live. She’d always teased him. How could a man that was so happily married continue to aid in the divorce process? His answer was simple: he wanted to fight for the children – to make sure that they were entrusted to the most capable, loving hands. A chance he wasn’t afforded as a child.

He lay down on the bed, slowly. Like an old man. Today he saw such hatred! Such pain! Don’t they know? But how could they? He stretched out his arm to touch the other side of the bed, his hand trembling. He didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye. He would give everything for a chance to just hold her, feel her heartbeat! For a moment he could almost smell her hair... If love were enough, he would still have her here!

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How small some of our differences seem when we look at those who have lost so much! If you are so fortunate to be loved, hug that person today and start to enjoy them unconditionally! There are people who would give their all for such an opportunity!

closer

2009-07-30T07:38:00.000+02:00

so close that I can’t see myself,
so close that all I know is You,
my God, my Lord, my Love!
closer!
so close that I can lose myself,
so close that all I know is Love,
my God, my King!
so draw me
closer!
ever closer to You, Lord!
I want to feel your Heart,
as if it were my own!
and make me
more and more like You
in every way,
with every single day
in everything I do.
I want to live in You!

A glimpse of heaven

2009-07-17T17:57:00.000+02:00

I am in the fortunate position to enjoy the presence of children 2 hours per week while their parents attend church. Over the past few months I have grown very fond of each and every child in my group. Some days I am even so lucky as to receive a tight hug and the occasional “I missed you”.

A few weeks ago, I was cleaning up after another wildly entertaining session. It was time for the parents to collect their children and one by one they were leaving my group to go home. The next moment I heard an excited squeal and when I looked up I saw a father holding his arms wide open and a boy running full speed towards him. He caught his son, hugged him tight , picked him up and spun him around in the air. Both of their faces were beaming with delight.

As I waved goodbye to both of them I couldn’t help but feel that I had been privileged to witness a very intimate and special moment. I’d had a glimpse of heaven!

I know there are little pieces of heaven that we experience while we’re here on earth. And I believe one of the keys to a happy life is to give them the significance they deserve and not be so busy so that we let one of them pass us by.

leap of faith

2009-07-08T21:22:00.001+02:00

She studied him from across the table in the quiet restaurant. It seemed like there was something pressing that he wanted to get off his chest. She could see he was rolling the words over in his mind, testing their feel and sound before saying them out loud. She cowered inwardly. Was there more that he wanted to confess to her after all this time? She tried to look calm while she prayed for the strength to survive whatever was about to follow.

“I was wondering if you could see any way to give us another try.” Her inner self looked up from its fetal position in the recesses of her mind and sat upright. What was that? She didn’t know how to respond. He went on: “I know I have no right to ask this... but I’m not the same person anymore.” She’d noticed the remarkable difference a while back, wishing it could’ve happened before all the pain, before the divorce. “We were not only meant to be together. I know now that we were created for each other. I can make you very happy.”

He took her hand. His touch felt alien, yet so very familiar. Her muscles couldn’t decide whether to resist or to just melt into him. In the minute that followed, she replayed the painful past and considered many possible futures in her mind several times. “If you say no, I’ll understand. But I had to at least ask.”

She focused on the moment and studied his presence. There was a calmness in him that she hadn’t known before. “This isn’t something that I can just answer yes or no to right now…” He shook his head. “I don’t expect you to.” She sat silently staring at the familiar contour of his hands as they covered hers. “I need to think about this. Pray about this… really pray about this.” He nodded. “You should be sure that it is what you truly want.” He squeezed her hands gently. “Don’t worry. I’ll be okay if you say no…” She looked into his eyes again. “But I’ll be extremely happy if you say yes!”

She closed the front door behind her. Her heart was pounding in her ears as she replayed the conversation she’d just had. She collapsed onto the couch in a daze, staring at nothing in particular. It all felt like a very confusing dream!

“Can this be real?” she said out loud. Yes, said the gentle Voice inside her, as clear as if her Lord was sitting right beside her. “Why?” She had just put herself and her life back together again! You asked Me for this. Suddenly she could see herself sitting across a table from her friend, praying for someone to spend her life with. She nodded. “Yes, but I didn’t ask for him!” Or did she, without knowing it?

After a while she sighed. “How do I know he’s really changed?” She desperately wanted to believe it. I make all things new! She sat in silence for a while, considering the last sentence. It was true. He seemed like a completely new person. She remembered the calm way in which he carried himself now.

She closed her eyes. “I’m scared!” A tear rolled down her cheek at the thought of going through so much pain again. The next moment, calmness covered her as if a blanket of it had been gently draped around her shoulders. I’m here!

Let me out!!

2009-07-05T10:18:00.001+02:00

I have not been myself for over a month now. I am not sure whether it's this persistent flu that has drained me of all energy and motivation to do anything, or whether it's something more. Whatever the cause, I am unable to even speak a coherent sentence without having to pause to find my location and struggle to find my way to the end of it and ultimately (hopefully) the point I started out to make.

The problem with this is that my job requires me to think on my feet and convey my thoughts eloquently. No success lately. To the extent that my boss asked me whether I'm okay, because she's noticed that I'm not myself. This is code for: "Get a grip, you're slipping up!!" Anyway, I initially dismissed this, but now my significant other can testify to this and I'm sure sometimes - being the intellectual that he is - he becomes more than frustrated with my seemingly pointless ramblings that evaporate mid-sentence!

I guess what I want to say is that because I'm not myself, I find it hard to even think of something to write here. Even these few words have been a challenge! I am trapped in my own mind, and with it having evolved past the comfortable fuzzy stage to something alien and scary (despite the total absence of medication!) it is a confusing and sometimes frightening place to be.

I hope to soon escape from my mental prison. In the meantime, I am making the best of a frustrating situation by taking it one day at a time and taking stock of my life and everything that concerns it. I wish you all a blessed day and to my friends in South Africa (and the rest of the southern hemisphere), a speedy relief from this winter that seems to be getting the best of everyone!

I love these fuzzy days!

2009-06-18T14:32:00.001+02:00

Oh how I like these fuzzy days, brought on by the flu and the need for strong medication! Don't get me wrong - feeling this way sucks, and being able to do nothing more than recuperate is frustrating. But after feeling sorry for myself just long enough (you know: long enough so I actually take good care of myself for once, but short enough to not be considered a complete sissy), I can actually enjoy the solitude and the weird thoughts that seem to only visit me when my world is upside down... like now.

I start to think of weird things like the fact that every single house in my neighborhood contains a little world of its own. Every person in that tiny world is the lead character in an intricately woven tale. And every character is on a quest to find meaning in a very confusing universe…

I open my eyes and realize that I must have dozed off. Then another seemingly disconnected thought jumps into my head. I see myself in my daily job, as I earn my living. I realize that it’s because of the people I’ve come to trust and love that I enjoy my job. I wonder if my office mate is still sick… I wonder if I caught this bug at the office…

My cat jumps on the bed and the cheerful sound of her tiny bell wakes me. As she purrs while finding her spot at my feet, I start to drift off again. But not before hearing the garbage truck in the distance. My mind grows foggy and I ponder on all the weird and wonderful things that might be on there, that were once so necessary for someone to have, but that are now useless and being transported to who-knows-where!

I love these fuzzy days!

a gentle nudge

2009-06-12T07:11:00.000+02:00

As they sat facing each other accross the kitchen table, she took a long sip of her tea. Her mother looked worn out. An old woman, who carried the load of so many on her tiny shoulders. She'd never thought of her mother in this way - a woman. She'd always been her mother. That one person who seemed to miraculously do everything for other people, all the while sacrificing so much of herself. How could she not have seen it?

"How are you doing?"She asked. Her mother looked up. It was as if she could see years of silent suffering in those eyes. She shrugged her shoulders. "I'm great. You don't have to worry about me." She smiled. Of course she'd say that! It was her trained response. She couldn't expect her to open up to a daughter. It's supposed to be the other way around. The daughter seeks advice from the mother, not mother from daughter.

Thoughtfully she put down her cup and while gently swirling the liquid in the cup, watching its movement, said: "I never thanked you for your support during the past few months. They were the most difficult of my life and you were my rock. Thanks for always being here when I needed you."Her mother smiled softly. "That's what I'm here for." She nodded. "I know, but still - if there is anything I can do for you to make your life easier, your burden a little lighter to carry, please let me know."Her mother nodded. But she knew she wouldn't ask. She never did.

She could feel the little nudge from within. Say it! Inside she violently shook her head. No... The prod came a little harder this time. Say it! She tried to mentally shake it off. No, it'll be weird! After a while of this inner turmoil, all the while keeping the conversation going, she gave in.

She reached accross the table and gently touched the slightly smaller, noticeably older hand. "I love you, Mom." It was like she could see her mother do an inner double-take. Who could blame her. These were not words ever spoken in their household. Although she grew up in a loving home, these words still seemed to be lacking in their conversations. For a moment, the older woman looked into her eyes and then back at the cup in her other hand. She swallowed and, as if the words were struggling to dislodge themselves from their rusty hiding place, she said: "I love you too." It was as if she could see a tiny crack in her mother's facade. She smiled and nodded affirmatively. "I know you do."

She quickly changed the subject to a lighter one, but after a while, her mother interjected as a lonely tear trickled down the side of her face: "Thank you! You can't imagine how much I needed that today..."

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We need to tell those dearest to us how much they mean to us. They need to hear it. Forget the awkwardness. Tomorrow may be too late!

Scrub harder!

2009-06-03T09:44:00.000+02:00

She leaned with her head against the shower wall. The steaming water was running down her back. Underneath the water her skin was glowing red, but she still didn’t move. Her shoulders shook as she wept.

Eventually the tears subsided as reason whispered a few words in her ear. She slowly started to wash herself as if this little ritual would help her forget for a short while. Then without warning she saw the image of them together and the sobs tore through her body once more. She scrubbed harder and harder. Her skin screamed in agony, but she couldn’t hear above her heart’s sobbing.

She had to rid herself of him completely! Every last inch of her had to be clean! Maybe if she scrubbed hard enough, she could remove the last treacherous specks of love that were still riddling her mind, heart and soul. But it seemed like he’d woven himself through her very being.

Through the steam she saw tiny red specs on her skin and for an instant it dawned on her what she was doing. She turned off the water and slowly wrapped the towel around herself. What now? As she collapsed on the shower floor and the tears started to flow again, she couldn’t help but wonder whether, if she could stand the pain and scrub harder, she would be able to wash away the heartache as well…

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How often do we end up hurting ourselves when we feel betrayed and hurt by someone else? I believe one of the best things we can do in such a painful time is to start loving ourselves until we can pick ourselves off the floor again.

just because

2009-05-29T22:15:00.000+02:00

just because I tread lightly
doesn't mean my heart
cannot be trampled.
just because I'm always here
when you need me
doesn't mean I never need someone
or that I don't make time for you.
just because I'm always the rock
that other people lean on
doesn't mean that I don't crumble,
that I can't fall apart sometimes.
just because I don't love you
in a way you understand
doesn't mean that I don't love you
with all that I have.
just because I don't cry
on the outside
doesn't mean my heart
isn't bleeding a river
when you push me away.
and just because
I feel all this pain right now
doesn't mean
that I don't still love you!

my dearest butterfly

2009-05-23T00:24:00.000+02:00

I’m bleeding inside today and it is for someone else. Someone that is so very close to me that they seem to be part of me is experiencing so much pain. The worst thing is that I can do nothing for them. I have no experience of what they’re feeling. Even if I did, it would make no difference as this is not my fight. They need to go through this painful time alone. All I can pray for is that they will emerge whole on the other side.

It makes me feel like I am banging my fists against the sides of a glass case while watching them hurt inside it. But all I can do is watch, because I cannot be part of that world. I cry so many tears with them and there is a heavy pain where my heart should be.
This afternoon I heard something about butterflies and that they need to emerge from the chrysalis on their own. Any help people try to offer may lead to the butterfly being injured and not properly formed - it cannot survive…

So all I can do is wait… patiently. While my insides are screaming with frustration. But still waiting. Until they emerge on their own. A beautiful butterfly, ready to face the world…

Branching out

2009-05-15T09:40:00.000+02:00

I feel very privileged today to contribute to one of my favourite blogs (Pursuit of Something Real). Louis has written many pieces that have inspired me and if you are not already a follower, feel free to check it out!

Have a gorgeous weekend! :)

Love,
S.C.

Stop! before you think...

2009-05-08T18:52:00.000+02:00

My friend and I were looking at our recent vacation photos. Both of us were at the beach and in our bathing suits. I insulted myself as soon as I saw the picture - the words were out of my mouth before I could help it! When my friend did the same, while at the same time complimenting me, my mind stopped dead in its tracks. I thought: Why is it so hard for me to say something good about myself?

We’ve all been there! Whether it’s about our physical appearance, our mental ability, our relationships… we all do it. Shouldn’t our priority be to take care of “me” first? We’ve heard the cliché so many times: If you want others to love you, you should love yourself first. And yet, it’s one of the hardest things we ever learn to do – if we get around to it!

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I think we would all be shocked if we became aware of the thoughts that passed through our minds (and mouths) every single day!

Love thyself!

2009-05-05T16:41:00.000+02:00

She stretched her legs out in front of her, digging her heels into the pebble sand that trickled through her toes as she lazily stared out over the waves. Every now and then the water would crash mercilessly against the majestic rocks not too far in front of her.

A crab frantically scurried over the sand and dashed into its tiny hole, just in time to escape the seagull drifting above them. She smiled as she recognized herself in this tiny crustacean, now safely hidden somewhere beneath the beach. But unlike this little creature, she was usually running from herself – her worst enemy. Not anymore!

She looked up to see a mass of water thrash wildly against the rocks, spraying the once powerful wave all over the unforgiving shoreline. She had once felt like that, reduced to nothing by the onslaught of the world! As her eyes drifted lazily over the horizon, with the wind caressing her hair and the sound of the dejected seagull in her ears, she sighed contentedly. She felt incredibly small. So much so that she’d lost her place in this vast universe, but only for a second. And what a blissful moment it was! Because amidst it all she also felt unimaginably loved!

As her mind panned back to its original state, she was reminded of how small her problems really were, how infinitely insignificant she was in this vast cosmos, and how futile it was to ponder about the things she had no control over. That life goes on, despite our feeling that the world must have ended! She lifted her face and allowed the sun to gently kiss her cheeks and forehead. As she did so, the crab cautiously made its way out of the hiding place to bravely venture further on its original quest.

if I could

2009-04-26T22:18:00.001+02:00

if I could shield you from the pain

that accompanies this life,

if I could cry your tears for you

and shelter you from strife,

if I could guide your every step

upon an easy path,

if what I did would keep betrayal

from trampling your heart,

or guarantee a perfect love

so you would bear no scars…

my child,

please know my instinct

is to keep you safe from harm.

but with time I must concede that this

is not within my hands,

I've seen how tears and hurt

help you to understand

who you’ve become,

how strong you are

and where you need to grow,

I pray for your forgiveness,

that you will always know

although I want

with all my heart

to take your pain on me

I cannot wait to meet the one

that you were made to be!

a moment of bliss

2009-04-21T15:19:00.000+02:00

She dropped her purse next to the door and her keys with it. She was so tired! Every last fiber of her was tired and fed up. She felt close to tears. Today was one of those days that take all you have. When would this cycle end? Probably never, she thought. Someone will always want a piece of you. Even if you have nothing left to give. She just stood there, leaning against the door, happy to be home. Drinking in the silence. Allowing it to slowly replenish her tired, worn out soul.

Then she heard his footsteps draw near. He said her name. It sent a tingle down her spine. She looked up. He drew her into his arms and held her. She could feel he was tired too. She looked up at him and he smiled back. Worn out, drained, but happy. She rested her head on his chest and sighed softly.

“Thank you”. She said as he pressed his cheek on the crown of her head. “For what?” he wanted to know. “For this.” They just stood there enjoying the moment. Knowing full well that it would soon be chased away by the chaos that make up daily life. But enjoying it nonetheless.

------------------------------

Don't spoil a beautiful moment by thinking about how short-lived it will be. Just cherish it. You don’t know if there will be another.

I love my life!

2009-04-20T11:29:00.000+02:00

As I noticed this thought tiptoe through my mind, I stopped what I was doing and paid attention. There it was again! I gently nudged at it and waited for it to disappear. It didn’t. I said it out loud: “I love my life!” My colleague overheard and answered: “That’s great! Why? What happened?” I paused, thought about it for a while. I opened my mouth to speak but no reasonable explanation would come. Finally I just said: “I… nothing! I don’t know!” She laughed and walked away saying: “Good for you!”

This happened about 6 months ago. The realization caused me to investigate what I had just professed without thinking. I rolled the previous few weeks through my mind. I was at that time single with no viable prospects, shuffling a lot of debt, trying with no avail to lose those extra kilo’s and was under a tremendous amount of pressure at work. I couldn’t put my finger on a single good thing happening in my life at the time that could cause me to say that.

In fact, if I had to ponder on everything happening in my life, I would probably end up in the fetal position in a corner somewhere. But that was not the case. I was fully aware of all these things happening in my life, many of which I had no control over. Yet, I felt an unmistakable calmness inside me that was hard to explain, but impossible to miss. I was happy despite my circumstances…

I had arrived!

No tomorrows

2009-04-17T19:51:00.001+02:00

Life has these weird, crystallizing moments, where we realize what everything is about. We realize that nothing that’s been bothering us is really worth a second thought, and that so much of our time could be better spent…

Sometimes I wish I could hold on to that state of mind for longer. Why can’t we spend all our life in that mindset? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we lived every moment to the full, instead of merely intending to do so? How different would our lives be if we did so? How different would our decisions be if we had only one day to live? How different would we treat people if every time we saw them, it dawned on us that it might be the last time we saw them? Yet we live as if every tomorrow is a given…

At the risk of sounding like a soppy email that implores you at the end to forward it to everyone in your address list, lest some horrible fate befalls you, I dare say that this is how we should live every moment. Unfortunately we so easily allow life to grab us by the ear and pull us along. How different would the world be if all of us made a conscious decision to live this way? I cannot even imagine such a world. But that won’t stop me from trying!

____________________

What would change in your life if you had one day (or even a week) to live?

Beyond the why

2009-04-16T12:01:00.000+02:00

We can drown ourselves in questions like why bad things happen. Although it's important to ask these questions at the odd chance that we might learn something more about ourselves or about other people, it's easy to be overwhelmed by the sheer volume of thoughts that end up running through our minds! We can all think ourselves into a depressive state by dwelling on these ultimately unanswerable questions...

Introspection is a wonderful thing. Even though I could hardly drag myself out of bed this morning because of this very reason, I have finally arrived at the point where I can say one thing for certain: Sh*t happens! :) Yes, it’s nothing groundbreaking, but we’re all human. We all do stupid things that are hard to justify afterwards.

It is wonderful though when we can distance the person from the act and love that person unconditionally – whether it be ourselves or someone else!

Grab on to something!

2009-04-09T16:20:00.000+02:00

My head feels fuzzy today. Fuzzy, that’s a funny word! It’s a long story that involves an excruciating headache in the middle of the night, treated with very strong medication. This medication has not left my system yet and in some very special way, I am still enjoying it 12 hours later. Although my brain feels like it is swimming through syrup to perform even the simplest tasks (take driving for instance, or writing a coherent sentence!), it also messes about my emotions.

If the scale is capable of tipping, it would have to be toward the dark side, where horrible thoughts linger. If I should peer over the edge to the bottom of the abyss, I know what lies hidden there. I would never admit it, but it’s all still there. Waiting oh so patiently for a day like today when I could let my guard down and be dragged kicking and screaming into its bloodthirsty clutches.

So I catch myself having to scramble back over the edge every now and then, much like a cartoon character frantically digging its fingers and toes into the surface to keep holding on to the side where there is peace … and sanity.

I tie myself firmly to something on this side, and enjoy the butterflies and soft squishy ground beneath my feet. There is music here, happiness and rest for my soul. Here I can be quiet and enjoy the moment. And as my mind drifts lazily back to its regular state and the ground becomes firm again, I make a note to confront those demons again when I am not so vulnerable; when I can do something about them.

Now, if I can only remember where I put that mental note…

welcome back!

2009-04-07T16:59:00.000+02:00

I’ve missed you much

these past few months
but finally you’re here

and as I look into your eyes

I see what I hold dear.

where did you go?

why did you leave?

did you know I needed you?

and as I think these thoughts I know

there was nothing you could do!

I check again, just to make sure,

and wipe the mirror clean,

but sure enough

there you are,

smiling right back at me!

it’s great to have you back old friend,

I hope you’re here for good!

every time you leave I know that I

become stronger as I should.

but now and then I lose you

and it scares me when I do

yet up to now

you’ve never let

me down like others do

so I relish in your presence

and in liking what I see,

for I, my friend, am you

and you?

why… you are me!

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Some of the scariest moments in life have to be when we realize that we’ve lost who we are. On the other hand, what a wonderful moment it is when we find that we are back to our old selves – just new and improved! :) It’s never too late to start looking for the old you again!

innocence lost

2009-04-06T20:35:00.000+02:00

She opened her eyes. The tears made it hard to see. She wiped them off. Why was she thinking about that again? Why now? She’d made her peace with it 13 years ago, hadn’t she?

Suddenly she was 8 years old again. It had all happened so fast. That evening, as she lay sobbing in her bed, she couldn’t think what she might have done wrong to deserve it. Something inside her was screaming at the top of its lungs with rage! Something else inside her mourned what was lost to her forever…

She lifted her head out of her hands. They were drenched in tears. You know that’s not the end of the story. There it was again. The small voice that’s been with her for so long, it had become part of her. “I know,” She found herself saying out loud.

It went on for 5 years. It didn’t happen every day. Not even every week. But just as she’d let her guard down, he would find a way to be alone with her… She loathed the fact that her parents visited them so often! At some point she even thought of taking her life so he couldn’t come near her ever again! How many children of that age contemplate suicide?

She was 13 when she finally managed to do something about it. She seemed to summon courage from nowhere and threatened to scream if he touched her again. He never did. He was so much bigger than her, but she knew then that she was in control. Whoever knew she was so much stronger than him? Still, her dreams were haunted for the next few years.

She wiped more tears from her cheeks. What time was it? She’d been sitting here for almost an hour. She sat in the quiet darkness for a while. Not really thinking anything. Go on. Don’t stop here. There’s more, remember? She nodded.

Years later she just didn’t want to feel that rage anymore. It was tearing her up from the inside. In desperation she whispered: “What do I do?” This horrible thing that stole her childhood was stealing all of her!

You have to forgive him, or he’ll own you forever. That was the first time she could remember hearing the still, small voice. “But I don’t want to forgive him!” she shouted at nothing in particular. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. “What he did was horribly wrong! He deserves to be condemned and judged!” By forgiving him you are not condoning what he did. You are choosing not to let it steal your life!

She cried, struggling to let go of the rage she had been feeding for quite some time. “I forgive you…” it was hardly a whisper and it took all of her energy, but it sent shock waves through her entire body. Then all of her became quiet. Calmness unlike anything she’d ever known spilled over her and she wept tears of joy and relief. She was free! “Will the nightmares come back?” she whispered, but she already knew the answer. I will protect you.

-------------------------

One of the most important choices we can make is to choose how something affects us. If you have been wronged by someone, whatever magnitude their transgression may be, you always have a choice either to let it steal the rest of your life, or to allow it to make you a stronger person. My prayer for you is that you will choose the latter.

in her eyes

2009-04-04T22:38:00.000+02:00

she sits beside the road,
cars keep speeding past
and as she thinks of days to come
she keeps her eyes downcast
her clothes are torn
her feet are cold
her shoes are barely there -
she has to try, has to believe
that some of them will care!

her eyes fall on her little boy
and she holds him to her chest
his pudgy hand grabs at her hair
while she tries her very best
to swallow tears,
not show the way
she really feels inside:
a woman broken by the world
and merely cast aside.

so she stands up straight
and asks again
for a coin or two to spare
while she wonders where she’ll sleep tonight
and why life seems never fair…
they drive her by
none dare to look
or even cast a smile.
all fear that they will see themselves
when they look into her eyes!

the day is gone, she has to leave,
for it would soon be dark.
she looks down at her little boy
and feels love fill her heart.
he rubs his eyes,
looks up at her
and delights her with a smile.
if those who pass would dare to look
they’d see it in her eyes!

embrace it!

2009-04-03T11:39:00.000+02:00

The past few years have been some of the most challenging of my life. They have also been the most rewarding!

I have learned to love myself unconditionally, to care less what other people think. I’ve realized that people you don’t like may become your closest friends and that those you love can hurt you in unthinkable ways. I have seen that trust can be restored and that forgiveness is a choice. Most of all, I have learned to become still and not let the chaos engulf me.

If you allow, it can rip you to shreds, but if you choose, it can mould you into the beautiful person you were created to be!